The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!


#1

So I heard a man screaming abuse at a dwarf prisoner climbing down a rope outside Mountjoy prison…

I thought “that’s a little con-descending”


#2

Still on me Jimmy Carr buzz…

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.


#3

Saw someone pickpocket a dwarf in Londis today .

I didn’t think anyone could stoop so low .


#4

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf


#5

Speaking of butchers, my local one offered my 8 legs of venison for €50… is that 2 deer?


#6

I never finished that one (not that anyone noticed!)

Anyways … “No, you’re right the steaks are too high.”


#7

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor’s office. “What seems to be the problem?” asks the doc. “It’s … um … well … I have five penises.” replies the man. “Blimey!” says the doctor, “How do your trousers fit?” “Like a glove.”


#8

A psychiatric one:
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers and shakes alot?
.
.
.
.
.

A nervous wreck.


#9

On the subject of butchers again…

I see the memorial at Maggie Thatchers grave has been finished and it’s just beautiful, but if I have one criticism, the dance floor is a bit small.

They were going to cremate her, but apparently the lady was not for burning!

Funny that we had an Argentinian pope for 2 weeks and Maggie died?!?! Coincidence!


#10

I just thought you left it out because everyone had heard it before… :slight_smile:


#11

how do ya cook a monkey?? Gorilla


#12

So I asked @TheLoneRanger what his opinion about Dublin hurling was…
“It’s shit” he said “absolutely shite”…
I know, I said, but let’s hear it anyway!

:smile:


#13

What does Melania see in Donald?
Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!

How’s Trump going to deport three million Mexicans?
Juan by Juan.


#14

I saw a lobster in the library. It wasn’t weird because he looked well red.


#15

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.


#16

I’ve just put my hoover up on ebay… it was just gathering dust.


#17

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death……


#18

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”


#19

Some guy keeps ringing me up and singing Stand and Deliver down the phone.

I tell him he’s got the wrong number, but he’s adamant.


#20

My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she’s asked me to do her hair.

I’m dreading it.