The jokes thread.... Don't be afraid to muck it up!

Still on me Jimmy Carr buzz....

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

Saw someone pickpocket a dwarf in Londis today .

I didn't think anyone could stoop so low .

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf

I never finished that one (not that anyone noticed!)

Anyways ...... "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

A psychiatric one: . What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers and shakes alot? . . . . .

A nervous wreck.

how do ya cook a monkey?? Gorilla

What does Melania see in Donald? Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!

How's Trump going to deport three million Mexicans? Juan by Juan.

I saw a lobster in the library. It wasn't weird because he looked well red.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I've just put my hoover up on ebay... it was just gathering dust.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death…..

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

Some guy keeps ringing me up and singing Stand and Deliver down the phone.

I tell him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.

My wife is going to a fancy dress party as a rastafarian and she's asked me to do her hair.

I'm dreading it.