Serious Disciplinary issues

Maurice Deegan has been stood down from the referees’ panel for this Championship season following his coming together with Andy Moran. An official and blunt statement from HQ said, ‘The referee has no business putting his chest on Andy’s. We can’t have officials undermining a superstar like Andy and trying to be the macho man.’

Andy’s black card will be rescinded immediately and he will get 1,000 loyalty points for Applegreen as well as an unwritten guarantee of no cards in his first five games regardless of the offence he will have deemed not to have committed.

Meanwhile Diarmuid Connolly has been summoned before the DRA on the serious charge of interfering with a referee. It is believed Connolly unintentionally sent a text message to an unnamed referee from Co Down. A spokesman said sombrely ‘Making contact with an official is a grave offence. If it is proved contact was make a minimum ban of three months will apply’. The rule was clarified by Kerry legend Pat Spillane. He told us ‘If there is intinsity in it yerra you know it was meant. He clearly keyed in the numbers and that means he has to sit out the season. I hate to see players miss games but it gives Kerra some hope so I couldn’t give a sh1t really.’

Dublin may also be without Stephen Cluxton for the season. He left a pair of gloves in the goalmouth after the Dubs last game and under new regulations (subtitled the ABD bye laws) drafted up by the Sunday Game panellists, the Keepers of the Flame, Macra na Feirme and a host of other non-Dublin affiliated bodies, littering the goalmouth carries a six month ban, with no remission. Colm O’Rourke said it was unfortunate but it will be great to see another Dublin goalie get a chance in the jersey.

Dean Rock is also in trouble after he was found in possession of a packet of Wrigley’s chewing gum following a recent game, thus contravening bye law 26 which states ‘chewing gum is banned from the home dressing room at Croke Park.’ Despite protestations that Croke Park is not actually Dublin’s home ground a number of well-known personalities came forward to say that Croke Park is more Dublin than Dublin itself.

In a further blow to Jim Gavin, Jonny Cooper has been reported for a breach of bye law 17 which states that finger nails must not be longer than 2mm during the season. Cooper was spotted with 3mm fingernails recently by Michael Lyster when grabbing a coffee in the RTE studios while appearing on a Prime Time special on Financial Doping. Lyster said ‘I couldn’t believe it. His fingernails were at least 3mm long – it was blatant, there was even a little dirt underneath them. I took a sneaky photo on my Samsung 8 and sent it to the relevant authorities – anonymously of course – until I got a text back from Bernie Flynn saying ‘nice one!’

Gavin is understandably perplexed with the possibility of losing four key players before a ball is kicked. There is also a suggestion that this is the tip of the iceberg with Michael Darragh MacAuley in some bother over the height of the saddle on his bike while Brian Fenton has been charged with having a longer than permitted fringe. He told us, ‘They seem to be making it up as they go along. I met the players to discuss this last night and Ciaran Kilkenny didn’t even get to the meeting as he was picked up on the way by a couple of Garda from the West who said he was not allowed wear flip flops while in command of a motorised vehicle – which was news to me.’

John Costello said the County Board would fight all the cases tooth and nail but questioned the €250,000 fee for each appeal. He said ‘It smacks of opportunism. I questioned the exorbitant fees but was sneeringly told ‘sure ye have feckin loads of it’.

The remaining members of the Dublin panel have gone into hiding at an unnamed monastery for Trappist monks. On hearing this a smiling Bomber Liston said ‘they obviously haven’t read bye law 62 which expressly forbids any contact with Trappist monks or monasteries while your county is still involved in the championship.’

To be continued ….


Or Resdubs by law 18/9/11(D) If found to be a Trump apologist a minimum penalty of frontal lobe lobotomy must be incurred. After which you will be brain washed into being a referee…

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Brilliant!! Or as Pat would say Brullant! Now THIS is how you do it. Lads from Mordor take note.


You have to feel sorry for poor Dermo, who’s probably at home thinking " Jesus Christ, I really can’t win*. I wasn’t even playing at the weekend, but I’m still in the feckin’ headlines, for not one, but TWO reasons. I give up ! "

*In a metaphorical sense obvs. Not in the medal haul sense.

… and all other Dublin players will be suspended for going to work… it will be considered amoral to have a second job when you’re already a full-time professional Gaelic Footballer. It will go against the DNA of the association.


Order 66 - Dublin players with non Dublin born parents must declare for the birth county of their parents. If parents birth county is either Kerry or Mayo you get your ‘Brucie’ bonus*